List of Absolutely Fabulous episodes

Edina ‘Eddy’ Monsoon wakes up with a hangover and to a guilt trip from her daughter, Saffron, whom Eddy had promised she would stop drinking. Saffron offers her mother no sympathy, despite it being the day of her big fashion show. Edina’s best friend, Patricia ‘Patsy’ Stone, arrives to accompany her to work, after lunch and a trip to Harvey Nichols. By the time they arrive, the guest list is looking pretty bleak: instead of Princess Diana, Princess Anne is coming. Edina rallies to cajole and swindle several celebrities into attendance, turning the show into a rousing success. Following the reception, Patsy and Eddy stop by her office drunk and reminiscing on the past. When they arrive back at Eddy’s house, Saffy slams the door in her face. The next morning, Patsy and Eddy work together to trick Saffy into thinking Eddy is going to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.
Guest stars:Nickolas Grace (Jonny), Lucy Blair (Lou-Lou)

After realising that the majority of her clothes no longer fit her, Eddy decides that she needs to lose weight. Ignoring Saffy's advice about simply eating better and taking up exercise, she phones her private doctor in an attempt to get some weight-loss pills. Unsuccessful, Patsy enters and suggests that plastic surgery is the best method. At the office, Bubble tells Eddy to her horror that Penny Caspar-Morse is coming to visit, a slim and glamorous model who used to be known as "The Stick" and tormented Eddy about her weight. Eddy tries to exercise, but with Penny coming to town in less than a week, she allows Patsy to schedule an appointment for some liposuction to shrink Edina and make her lips bigger. After a disturbing nightmare about the procedure going horrifically wrong, Eddy goes off the idea and just decides to cover up as much of herself as she can with a large, long sweatshirt. Patsy enters and tells Eddy some good news: Penny is blind and won't know how much Eddy weighs. Later (after deciding to "Let bygones be bygones") Eddy drunkenly rants at Penny about how she ruined her life, and brags how successful and thin she has become, and grabs Penny's hands and places them on her waist showing how big she is.

Eddy goes on holiday to a chateau in the south of France with Patsy, even though neither of them knows any French. After a boozy flight, they drive to the chateau only to discover that it's actually a rustic cottage. There's no food or wine, and a chainsmoking old Frenchman keeps stopping by but they can't understand French and try to divert him. Saffy arrives a day or two later to rescue them; Bubble comes along because she's supposed to deliver an urgent message concerning Eddy's home decorating business, but she forgets all about it. Days pass: Eddy and Patsy get drunk at a local vintage but also try some quieter activities, such as watercolor painting and table tennis, which Patsy enjoys after she refreshes herself with a little cocaine. Bubble suddenly remembers the message and Eddy panics and rushes to get home. As they prepare to leave the cottage, the old Frenchman stops by and repeats his message to Bubble, who understands perfectly: They have been staying at the wrong place, and the staff have been expecting them in the chateau down the road. Later, British Customs detains the whole party when a bag containing white powder is found in Patsy's luggage, but they are freed with a warning when the powder turns out to be 'a perfectly harmless, innocent substance'. Patsy, instead of being relieved, is horrified because she realizes she actually enjoyed playing ping-pong.

In the upstairs bathroom, Patsy helps Eddy break in her new isolation tank while Saffy, in the kitchen below, works on a presentation about DNA with several classmates, preparing for her Sixth Form College's Open Day. When Patsy and Eddy come downstairs, they hang around talking loudly for so long that Saffy asks her mother why she isn't at work. Eddy explains that her dimwitted secretary, Bubble, has emerged from an occupational hypnotism program mysteriously transformed into a willing helper who works with such dedication that there's nothing to do at the office any more. When Eddy eventually does go to work, she's proved correct: Bubble is dressed smartly and offers to sort out upcoming meetings while Eddy is reduced to reading a magazine. At home, feeling rejected and useless, Eddy takes a sudden interest in Saffy's DNA presentation and begs to be invited to the Open Day. Saffy, however, refuses point-blank. Eddy throws a tantrum, but it has no effect; she then threatens to adopt a Romanian baby. When Saffy calls her bluff, Eddy phones Bubble and instructs her to send over a selection of Romanian babies so she can pick one. She then leaves the room and frantically tries to cancel the deal, but it's already too late. Later, Saffy relents and tells Eddy she can come to the Open Day after all. The next day, during the presentation, a woman interrupts and asks for a Mrs. Edina Monsoon. Eddy walks out and returns holding a baby; then more and more babies are brought in until their wails drown everything out. Saffy screams furiously for her mother to leave. Eddy then wakes up in a panic, still in her iso tank, and realises it was just a dream.

It is Edina's 40th birthday. She isn't too pleased about it, either, and the surprise party Saffy has planned for her only makes her feel worse. Instead of a glamorous affair with fabulous guests and Japanese finger food, as she had hoped, her 40th birthday party turns out to be a family lunch, cooked by Saffy and served in the kitchen. The guest lists consists of: Eddy's two ex-husbands, Justin and Marshall, with their new lovers, Bo and Oliver; Gran; Saffy and Patsy. The birthday girl behaves very badly indeed, switching between self-pity and spite, and soon she provokes Oliver, her least favourite guest, into making an angry exit. Justin, Marshall and Bo stoically remain, however, and while Eddy is upstairs getting stoned with Patsy the men compare notes about their alimony payments and realise they've both been paying for Eddy's posh house. In the end, while Eddy and Patsy sing drunkenly with a new karaoke machine, Justin and Bo lay whispered plans to cut off Eddy's alimony.

Eddy returns home after spending the night with an old boyfriend and Patsy is not happy about it, feeling she has been put aside. As ‘Executive Fashion Director’ of a magazine, Patsy’s rare appearance at her job requires a map to find her office. When her Editor, Magda, tells her that she will host a fashion makeover on morning television, Patsy comes to blows with her models. She then tries to persuade Saffron and Mrs. M to take their place. She uses the tale of her emotionally distant mother and the dreaded word 'please'. Saffron agrees but only if Patsy moves out of the house and allows Eddy to have a boyfriend. When appearing on the morning show, Patsy suddenly gets anxious and can only reply with "Yeah cheers, thanks a lot" to all of the hosts questions. Despite this, Patsy is impressed with her appearance after being offered the job as a weather girl. After Patsy convinces Eddy to break up with her boyfriend, Saffron storms upstairs in a tantrum, leaving a smirking Patsy realise that the story she told Saffron is actually true and she can no longer use it against her.

Patsy's indecent outings with an MP land her on the front page of every tabloid in the country, and if that wasn't bad enough, her age is listed as "47". This prompts her to take part in an interview with a reporter from Hello! magazine who doesn't even know who Patsy is. Patsy prepares for the interview by improvising a facelift with surgical tape, then discovers the photographer won't be along for some time. Meanwhile, Eddy has a pain in her big toe, and after calling her doctor in Switzerland, she decides to go to a private hospital for surgery. Patsy tags along, planning to get a chemical peel and some eyelid rejuvenation before the Hello! photographer arrives. At the hospital, Edina and Patsy make life hell for the nurses and staff. While anesthetised, Edina dreams that she's on her deathbed and is receiving farewell visits from idealised versions of her family and friends: her daughter, played by Helena Bonham Carter, has followed in her footsteps with her fashion sense and announces that she is dropping out of university to become an artist in Paris ; her ex-husband Justin – who is Richard E. Grant – still adores her and only told everyone he was gay because he could never love another woman; her mother is Germaine Greer; and Patsy who is Mandy Rice-Davies tells her how much she envies her good bone structure. Suzi Quatro also sings her a song. In an adjoining operating room, Patsy dreams of looking young for her Hello! spread. In the end, it all goes pear shaped; Edina wakes to find that her toe pains were caused by a stray acupuncture needle which worked its way from her cranium to her toe, and Patsy's skin is burned off her face. On seeing Patsy's face, Edina's mother collapses and staff attempt to restore order but Edina demands the staff take her to a NHS hospital.

Edina's father has died. Gran is taking it in her stride, Saffron is beside herself with grief, but Edina doesn't seem bothered. Eventually, the reality of the situation hits her: it dawns on her that some day she is going to die. The next day, she buys a whole lot of very expensive artwork to "bequeath to the nation". Marshall drops by with his new girlfriend, a self-help therapist who is only too keen on discussing death, until she finds out that the body is to be brought to Edina's living room for the wake. Later, while Eddy is showing Patsy her new artwork, they happen to notice the coffin in the midst of it all and wonder whether it's art. Saffron, completely fed up by her mother's selfish attitude, bans Edina from the funeral, leaving her and Patsy to drown their sorrows. Edina suddenly decides she wants to go to the funeral, and she takes Patsy along. At the cemetery, Edina stumbles drunkenly into her father's grave and Patsy falls into another open grave close by. No one offers to help, and Eddy and Patsy struggle to climb out.

Edina, Patsy, and Saffron head to Marrakech for various reasons: Edina and Patsy are collaborating on a photo shoot for PopSpecs and are also looking forward to Moroccan shopping; while Saffron hopes to study the indigenous peoples for school. Upon their arrival, Patsy and Eddy go directly to a luxurious villa. There, they meet up with an old friend named Humphrey who introduces himself to Saffy by sexually harassing her. At dinner, it is revealed that Patsy spent a year living as a man until "it fell off," as Edina puts it. The following day, during a shopping trip at an immense outdoor bazaar, Patsy gets fed up with Saffy and sells her into slavery for 2000 dirham. Later, Edina and Patsy venture out into the country for the PopSpecs shoot but end up stranded in the Atlas Mountains, dirty and looking for somewhere to stop at. After wandering around for a day or two, hopelessly lost, they encounter Saffy wearing a burqa and carrying a heavy burden on her head and are rescued. They spend the last few days of their vacation drugged and unconscious while Saffy turns out to have had a few adventures on her own – including a honey-and-yoghurt experience involving Yentob (a hotel staffer) that she wants to keep secret from her mother.

Edina is in a hurry to get the house ready for the minimalist tastes of her friend Bettina and husband Max. As a result, Saffron temporarily moves into her university's halls of residence and Patsy is pretty much ignored. When Bettina and Max arrive, however, they are no longer into minimalism and turn out to be the angry, frantic parents of a newborn baby. Patsy reaches her limit with Edina's plans and storms out. Edina tries to be patient with her houseguests, but they cause so much havoc in the house that she leaves for a while. At Joe's Cafe, Edina and Patsy try to go one up from each other: Patsy gatecrashes a lunch with Zandra Rhodes and Britt Ekland, claiming that they all knew each other years ago, and Edina forces her client Lulu to have lunch with her. Both lunches end awkwardly. Back home, Saffron returns to find Edina plotting to get rid of Bettina and Max. As Saffron and Gran comfort Bettina, Edina and Max have a quick fling which can be heard via the baby transmitter in the kitchen! Bettina and Max leave, and it turns out that that was the intended result of Edina's fling. She and Patsy make up after.

Edina finds out that both Marshall and Justin have cut off their alimony payments, thereby leaving her "poor". Dreading being forced to do community service in "urine-stinking old people's homes for the incontinent," she reluctantly agrees to economise. However, a trip with Patsy to the supermarket is more than they bargained for; on the way there, they assault a driver who beeps her horn at them, and when they get to the supermarket, they fill three trolleys with groceries and steal a case of champagne. Edina's "smaller" Alfa Romeo car gets clamped outside of Harvey Nichols, and they are later arrested for drunk driving and many other charges. On the day of the trial, Edina tries to justify her actions, but it makes no difference; in addition to a huge fine, she and Patsy are sentenced to community service. Their task is to install loft insulation into an old people's home.

Patsy causes a fire in the kitchen by falling asleep with a lit cigarette. The following day, Edina considers a new look for the kitchen as well as her bedroom. The center of life in the Monsoon house soon shifts to the living room, where Saffron is planning on having a friend over for a study session on the beginnings of life, though it is later clear that she has far more erotic plans. Edina and Patsy, who are supposed to go out later, want to hang around for the meeting, but everything changes when Gran accidentally locks all three inside the room. As they are shut inside, they exchange stories about their own births: Saffron was supposedly born on a carpet of roses, Edina's birth was all about sterilisation, and an abandoned Patsy entered the world via her mother's Bohemian lair in Paris. Gran unlocks the door, and Edina and Patsy leave. The episode ends with a flashback to Edina planning on giving Saffron up for adoption.

Eddy and Patsy plan a fabulous New Years Eve party, but their plans are ruined when Patsy's long-lost sister Jackie pays a call while they are preparing to go out. Jackie is an older, crueller version of Patsy, and soon everyone dislikes her except Patsy, who is starstruck by her wickedness. Patsy insists on taking her sister to the party; Jackie, however, seems reluctant to leave the house, and she asks for food and claims to be too tired to go out. Worse is to come: Jackie then confides that she is homeless and wants to stay with Eddy for a few months until she can raise money for a shelter for unwanted cats and dogs. Patsy, appalled, helps Jackie loot Edina's bedroom to raise the necessary funds but then decides to throw her out the house. She then goes to collect Edina and head for the party, but it's too late. For the first time in her adult life, Eddy faces the supreme humiliation of seeing in the New Year surrounded by her family in the sitting room.

A discussion on enlarging Edina's bedroom leads to a rare visit inside Serge's bedroom. While looking around, Saffron discovers a porn magazine and tries to throw it away, but Edina and Patsy prevent her. Patsy then begins reminiscing about sex in their youth, but Eddy can't remember it, even though Patsy assures her she was there. It turns out Edina isn't sexually active and plans are made to hire male prostitutes via Edina's hairdresser Christopher for an old-fashioned orgy, which is scheduled for the same night as Saffron's "Genetics and Ethics" presentation at her university. The orgy doesn't start off well; Edina can't seem to get in the mood, and the prostitutes are none too enthusiastic either. When Patsy tries to liven things up by popping in a porn film she has brought, it turns out to be Saffron's genetics video. Fearing the worst, Edina and Patsy, accompanied by Gran, Christopher, and his drag-queen boyfriend, rush off to the university, but it is too late: to Saffron's mortification the porn video – is a home movie of one of the orgies Patsy remembers but Edina has forgotten. As everyone watches, the camera shows couples love making and a young Edina asleep in a corner.

Edina is hell-bent on winning a PR award to the point that she hires Will Self to write her acceptance speech and clashes with arch-rival Claudia Bing for the best position in proximity to the stage. It goes pear shaped; despite Edina bribing the judges Claudia wins, and Edina and Patsy head home in anger. Saffron and Gerard, one of her professors, fall in love and start to flirt in the kitchen. Edina decides she wants to come up with a campaign that will out-do Claudia's. Saffron finds out that Gerard is married with children. Edina hears about this and, in a rare defence of her daughter's honour, punches him in the face. At a PR meeting, Edina's speech is stolen, so she launches into her own diatribe that proves to be quite successful. Edina and Patsy go to a dump to find the speech, but end up on a trash barge headed for Ostend.

Saffron has moved out of the house and into university housing, leaving a despondent Edina home alone. Meanwhile, Patsy learns that Ella magazine has folded, and Magda suggests that she goes with her to work in New York. Edina and Patsy commiserate drunkenly with each other on the sudden changes in their lives. Saffron returns and is appalled at their behaviour. Edina announces that she plans to sell the house and "find herself", which irritates Saffron. Edina's plans also mean that she's cutting off Patsy, which prompts her to take the job in New York, thereby putting their relationship on hiatus.

Edina embarks on finding herself, only to realise that it's well below her expectations. Patsy finds herself lost, lonely and out of depth in New York. Saffron settles into university life and Gran spends her days at the Monsoon house, drinking champagne and watching home-shopping television. Edina and Patsy realise that their lives are nothing without each other, and reunite on top of Carnegie Hall Tower. They return home to find that Gran has been arrested for squatting and Saffron loses her temper because of their unpleasant behaviour. The episode ends with a flash-forward to Edina and Patsy, 25 years older but not much wiser.

Edina's morning ritual is swimming with a dolphin that she has in a tank in her room. They are off to Val-d'Isère that afternoon, so Patsy and Edina spend the morning at the gym and the office, while listening to an interview of Edina recorded for Radio 4, Desert Island Discs. Meanwhile, Paolo, Saffy's Italian boyfriend, proposes marriage. Patsy and Edina arrive at the Alps, but it is not what they expected as there are no celebrities and no night clubs for them to enjoy. After dinner at a local restaurant, Patsy and Edina are back in the apart-hotel where they both argue because of how they have always been together in the present life and the previous ones. In a rage they start destroying the apartment, which they soon after start to enjoy. The next morning, Edina and Patsy go skiing, but Edina gets lost and almost falls off a cliff. She "dreams" of going to heaven, but God tells her it is not her time yet. Meanwhile, in London, Mrs Monsoon returns home after spending the day at the airport where she had gone to meet arriving friends. However, she explains that she got into a plane that didn't take off, she got registered, and her suitcase was blown up. She had met a woman dressed as an Arab who brings her home: it happens to be Bo.

Patsy and Edina return from Val-d'Isère to find Mrs Monsoon's mad American friends have moved into her house. Edina lies in bed for three days claiming to have stigmatas, that she paints on herself with lipstick. Saffron, busy preparing the wedding, argues over Edina's claims of being Jesus Christ. When Edina realises that Paolo's parents are rich, she finally shows enthusiasm for the upcoming celebration. Saffy remains smitten with Paolo who doesn't appear to be impressed with her. Paolo's parents come to visit and the mother decides that Saffron is not good enough, but Patsy makes her change her mind, blackmailing her with their past as "actresses" in a pornographic "Bond" movie (actually Bond Meets Black Emanuelle). Edina chooses St Columba's in Knightsbridge for the ceremony and takes Saffy to Christian Lacroix who designs the wedding dress. The wedding ceremony commences. Eddy pushes Saffy's bridesmaid Sarah away and replaces her with "the Gucci girl." When the minister asks if there are any objections, Edina sees God again, who stands by the minister and shakes her head to the marriage. Eddy disrupts the ceremony and Paolo calmly leaves with the Gucci girl. Later Patsy and Eddy tell Saffy that they are going on her honeymoon trip.

Edina's due to appear on This Morning with Richard & Judy while Patsy has had Parralox,^[3] a dangerous chemical used in Iraq, injected into her face to make herself look more beautiful and get rid of wrinkles. Edina decides to have Parralox as well but it all turns out horribly wrong.

Also appearing: Bob Barrett (Labour Party Man), Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Twiggy (Herself), Lady Victoria Hervey (Herself), Michael Greco (Himself), Stephen Gately (Himself), Richard Madeley (Himself), Judy Finnigan (Herself)

After attending a Marilyn Manson concert, Edina and Patsy feel their past rock idols have gone soft, especially with Roger Daltrey running a "fish farm". Edina wakes up the next day to discover that Saffy has hired a gardener to landscape their garden. Patsy recognises the gardener, Jago Balfour (Crispin Bonham-Carter), as the brother of one of her old drug buddies who died of an overdose. She also recalls that they are both from an aristocratic family with an estate in the country. Edina then sets off to seduce the young gardener. After a wild night, Jago tells Edina that his brother wiped out the family fortune on drugs, forcing him to sell the estate to Roger Daltrey as a fish farm, much to the dismay of Edina and Patsy.

Also appearing: Crispin Bonham-Carter (Jago Balfour), Tim Wylton (Brice), Dora Bryan (Dollie).

Edina is set to appear in a mother/daughter fashion spread to be shot in Paris for a glam magazine; after she fails to secure Chloë Sevigny, Kate Beckinsale, or Liv Tyler to portray her daughter, she decides that she'll have to settle for Saffy. Patsy is also invited for a shoot with the "face of the moment" Erin O'Connor as her fashion "daughter." After arguing on the Eurostar, the group arrives in Paris, where it turns out that fashion photographer Rimmer plans a generation-spanning neo-punk group fashion spread, including former models Annegret and Verushka, to Patsy's dismay. After a quarrel between Edina and Saffy about using guidebooks in Paris, Saffy agrees to explore Paris Edina's way. The pair shop, dine at fancy restaurants – where Edina is surprised to learn that Saffy speaks French – and they head to the Eiffel Tower to complete a tradition Edina and Patsy do every year in Paris: flash their breasts at the world. However, Edina uses this occasion to trick Saffy into appearing topless on a magazine, where she later becomes popular.

• This episode of Absolutely Fabulous caused interest in the United Kingdom, due to a comment about the Taliban 3 days after the 11 September terrorist attacks in New York. It was hastily deleted from the BBC broadcast version but the original version was included on the DVD release.

Also appearing: Dave Gorman (Rimmer, the Photographer), Sacha Distel (Himself), Christian Lacroix (Himself), Annegret Tree (Herself), Erin O'Connor (Herself), Daphne Selfe (Herself). Viewers: 7.47 million

Edina becomes inspired by "Sex and the City" but she is prompted to battle the bulge when she realises she is not the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group, but rather the "donkey." Edina decides to lose weight and enrolls in a boot camp-style exercise course. Saffy disapproves of her methods but also tries to spur her on. Edina later has a dream about God and the Devil arguing about her. Later, an argument with Saffy reveals that the exercise and diet is working. A happier, healthier Edina meets up with her friends again, but is shocked to learn from Katy that despite her weight loss, she's "still too fat" to be the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group. Throughout the story Edina records her confessions on video.

Also appearing: Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Andrea Gillie (Patsy's PA), Jessica Wilcocks (Minge), Julian Rhind-Tutt (Taylor Johns), Marianne Faithfull (God), Anita Pallenberg (The Devil)

At home, Edina and Patsy are setting up drugs. Suddenly, They hear a buzzing sound, which Patsy mistakes for a bee. It turns out to be Edina's mobile phone, and when she answers, she thinks that it's Serge calling out for help. She calls the police, and Saffron comes home to find Edina in a state of shock. It is then revealed that the phone accidentally picked up rehearsals for Saffron's play, "Self Raising Flower", which details her life and portrays Edina and Patsy in a negative way. On the day of the premiere, Justin, Bo, Gran, and Marshall drop by to wish good luck to Saffron, at the expense of Edina. Saffron extends an olive branch of sorts by leaving a ticket for her mother; Edina is wary about attending, but eventually her and Patsy do go. The play goes well, however the cast and audience believe it to be a comedy instead of the pitiful domestic tragedy Saffy intended. Amazingly, both Edina and Patsy end up loving it (with Patsy in particular enjoying her portrayal regardless of the fact she is played by a man). At the end, the cast welcome the real Edina on stage with them, leaving Saffron in the audience embarrassed. The next day, the girl who plays Saffron is so smitten with the real one that she offers her flowers, making Saffy distinctly nervous.

Also appearing: Christopher Ryan (Marshall), Melanie Jessop (Policewoman), Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Josh Neale (Actor), Miles Western (Actor), Emma Pierson (Actress), Lill Roughley (Actress)

Edina's career is over. Bubble accidentally forwarded all the private information of Edina's upcoming gigs to everyone in her address book including arch-rival Claudia Bing, who has taken a substantial amount of her jobs, including getting work for Twiggy. Meanwhile, Patsy breaks her arm just above her wrist. Saffron reluctantly takes her to her doctor, and comes back with shocking news: Patsy has both osteoporosis and the lowest bone density on record. Saffron concludes that it's symptomatic of menopause, the very mention of it sends Edina and Patsy into a state of panic. Saffron organises a meeting of a local menopause support group in the living room and Edina provides bin liners to prevent the guests from accidentally urinating on the furniture. Later, Saffron bakes a pie and has a nightmare where Patsy is a happy homemaker, which annoys Saffron. Patsy drops the bombshell that she plans to have a baby! She bought Mick Jagger's sperm at an auction and plans to implant it inside herself unless Saffron allows Patsy to use the spare room.

Also appearing: Twiggy (Herself), Ruby Wax (Beth Dunwoody).

Upon returning home from London Fashion Week, Edina feels miserable because her son is not in her life. During a visit from Bo and Marshall, it is accidentally revealed that Serge is gay and living in New York, and that Marshall has "gay feelings", which unnerves Bo. Against Saffron's wishes, Edina uses her upcoming trip to New York for their fashion week as a chance to reunite with her son. With Patsy in tow, they hunt down information on Serge at an LGBT community center. A counselor, Goldie spots them and in exchange for the information, Patsy and Edina get "married". Edina finally hunts down Serge, and is shocked to learn that her son is virtually a male equivalent of Saffron who works in a bookstore. While Serge is dismayed that she views gays as nothing more than fashionable accessories, his partner, Martin, takes a shine to Edina. The reunited mother and son, along with Patsy and Martin, hit New York's Fashion Week with a vengeance. Edina and Patsy conclude their wild party by accidentally setting a bar on fire and getting arrested. When they arrive home, Saffron tries to make up with Edina, however it is revealed that Edina has disowned Serge in favour of Martin, whom she has "adopted".

Co starring Whoopi Goldberg (Goldie), Deborah Harry (Herself), Graham Norton (Himself), Rufus Wainwright (Himself), Josh Hamilton (Serge) and Danny Burstein (Martin).

Edina's home is a mess, and she has done some more remodelling as usual. The changes include a pool in her bathroom, and a shower that washes and buffs her like a car wash. Her new client Emma Bunton comes by to discuss new jobs. It turns out Saffy was Emma's head girl at school and Emma knows that Saffy would be disturbed by Edina's squalid house. When they realise that Saffy is coming home that day from volunteer work in Africa, Emma urges everyone to clean up. Patsy gets obsessed by organising a drawer full of odds and ends. When Saffy arrives, Edina taunts Saffy for becoming fat and fulfilling her "genetic fate." Saffy informs her that she's not fat, she's pregnant. Edina tells Saffy that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away or people will think she is fat.

Guest stars Emma Bunton (Herself), Llewella Gideon (Tanning Beautician)

Edina has a nightmare about Saffy's baby trying to stab her. It turns out that the face of the nightmare baby belongs to Saffy's midwife, who delights in teasing Edina about these nightmares. Edina expresses her displeasure about this baby. Saffy invites the father of the baby to the house to tell him she is pregnant. In the meantime, Edina and Patsy have organised a book club, but no one is interested in reading any books except celebrity magazines. When Edina discovers that John Johnson, the father of Saffy's baby is black, she is overjoyed, because she thinks a mixed-race baby is the greatest accessory, the "Chanel of babies." When Saffy tells John that she is pregnant, he replies that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away or people will think she is fat.

Guest stars Mariella Frostrup (Herself), Jeanette Krankie (Midwife), Kristin Scott Thomas (Plum)

Edina builds a panic room. Patsy is at her shop, Jeremy's, when Minnie Driver walks in. Minnie complains about not scoring any free stuff from other shops at Bond Street, and takes pictures of herself shopping to sell to the paparazzi. Patsy is determined to become Minnie's stylist, so she later invites Minnie to Edina's house. She has gathered racks of designer outfits with which to dress Minnie. When Minnie wants a necklace that Edina is wearing, Patsy wrestles Edina for it, and they accidentally lock themselves in the panic room. They believe they will be unable to escape for days because Patsy panicked and kept pressing the buttons on the keypad. While they are locked in, they play Trivial Pursuit over the intercom and camera with Saffy. At the end Patsy and Eddy discover they were locked in for only a couple of hours. They also discover that Minnie Driver has taken all the designer clothes.

Guest stars Minnie Driver (Herself)

Edina begins an ad campaign for Prince Charles' biscuits, and claims that it is "by royal appointment". Consequently, she begins to associate with the wealthy socialite crowd, and buys a weekend at a country house hotel at a Tatler auction. Saffy typically disapproves of Edina's plans to go game hunting for sport. Upon arrival, Patsy and Edina discover that nothing is in season, and the place doesn't even have any jacuzzis or massage. So they content themselves with horseback riding and clay pigeon shooting. Patsy tells Edina that the Rothschilds were laughing at her. Edina becomes angry and determines that she will kill something, and goes out with Patsy with guns blazing in the middle of the night. They bring a pheasant back to the hotel, which Edina puts in the closet. In the morning they discover that the pheasant is still alive. Patsy tells Edina to pull its neck but Edina bonds with it and drugs it and releases it into Hyde Park. At home, Emma Bunton and Sarah bring gifts to Saffy for a baby shower, and Sarah becomes obsessed with Emma. Sarah stalks Emma, and Saffy eventually calls the police and has Sarah arrested.

Guest star: Emma Bunton (herself), Clarissa Dickson Wright (Gamekeeper), Christopher Ryan (uncredited)

Saffy is preparing her home birth kit. She's due to have the baby anytime, and she wants to have it at home. Patsy is the hostess of the Style Awards at the Royal Albert Hall, and she arrives wearing a very expensive, one-off Hookie Mookie made of silkworm saliva. Edina helps Patsy rehearse her speech but is interrupted by Katy Grin, Bo, and Marshall. Katy talks about her work in the musical Chicago. Bo and Marshall talk about their Christian Family Creation adoption service, which is a service for busy Hollywood actresses who have no time or desire for pregnancy. Saffy and Patsy shove each other trying to get up the stairs, and then suddenly Saffy's waters break, spilling baby juice all over Patsy's expensive clothing. Mrs. M. attempts to save the Hookie Mookie, but she accidentally burns it with an iron. Saffy retreats to her bedroom with contractions. In a rare moment of support for her daughter, Edina tells Patsy she won't be able to go to the awards show. Mrs. M. runs to go get forceps, and Katy Grin sneakily makes a phone call to say she can fill in for Patsy at the awards show. John and Justin next arrive to the house, and Edina tries to show up her ex-husband by telling John that Justin is gay. Bo gets drunk and develops a plot to snatch the baby for the adoption service. Justin and John go to change the hot water settings, but they accidentally knock out the house's power. Patsy tries on some of Eddy's clothes, but is a laughing stock. Katy runs off to be a hostess at the awards. Eddy protects her daughter from Bo and Marshall's baby snatching scheme, but Patsy decides to help Bo and Marshall get the baby. Saffy eventually gives birth to a healthy baby girl. She and John name the baby "Jane", but Edina prefers the name "Lola." Bo and Marshall flee the house thinking they've taken the baby, but they've taken the placenta by mistake.

Edina's 'new' boyfriend Pete is a tape engineer who used to work at Abbey Road Studios during the time that The Beatles worked there, and who had found some unreleased tapes. In a studio, the girls have fun and Edina sings her 'walking down the road' song she loves. There are flashbacks from the sixties where Patsy is a man and they are at a recording for the Sgt. Pepper album. Back at home, Elton John had been invited to the party to debut the Beatles tapes, but gets annoyed and leaves when he discovers he was only invited to play piano in the background. Finally, just after proposing marriage to Edina, Pete plays the tapes at the party. Instead of The Beatles, Edina is heard singing. Apparently this is because Patsy had pressed the record button on the recorder in the studio by mistake whilst she was looking for champagne in the control room, and Edina unknowingly sang over the tapes. After realising they're lost forever, Pete collapses on the floor. The episode ends with Edina announcing she's off to New York because Yoko Ono wants her to record an album.

Guest stars: Elton John (himself), Robert Lindsay (Pete)

Patsy has booked Saffy's baby Jane (Lola) for a photo shoot with Jean-Paul Gaultier. Gran usually babysits Jane on Thursdays, so that Saffy can go out with John. But Gran does not come this Thursday, because Edina has banned her from the house. So Saffy and John are stuck at home, and Patsy cannot take the baby to the photo shoot. Patsy and Edina prey on Saffy's insecurities and tell her that John will lose interest in her, Saffy bursts into tears and agrees and asks Edina to look after Jane while she goes out with John. Edina and Patsy plan to take the baby to have a photo shoot at the London Zoo. Saffy returns and finds out they took the baby out against her wishes and Edina explains that she has bonded with Jane, however it is later discovered that Edina has brought home the wrong baby.

Guest stars: Jean-Paul Gaultier (himself) Perou (himself)

For the first time ever, Edina has agreed to stay home and spend Christmas with the family. Edina typically goes overboard by buying a huge tree and tons of gifts. Patsy is very upset that she cannot go away on vacation with Edina as they do every year, as she hates Christmas. Patsy has a flashback of unpleasant Christmas memories of her childhood. Someone somewhere sticks a pin in a Patsy voodoo doll, and she collapses in pain beneath the Christmas tree. Although Edina and Saffy ignore her, John insists that Patsy needs to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, the doctors tell Edina that Patsy is very sick and that she may die. Edina and Saffy return to the house to continue their Christmas celebration. In the middle of the night, Patsy's estranged sister Jackie arrives to visit her. The following day, Edina and Saffron drop by only to learn from a nurse that Patsy has died, only they find out that it turns out to be Jackie instead. At Christmas lunch, Patsy shocks everyone by asking for a slice of turkey. She manages to chew and swallow, but after not eating solid food for decades she chokes on it.

Guest stars Kate O'Mara (Jackie), Eleanor Bron (Patsy's mother)

Edina decides to remodel the kitchen again, and calls up her old minimalist friends. It turns out Bettina is divorced and is clinically insane and Max is revealed to be gay. Bettina transforms the kitchen into a stairless white box, but Edina hates it. Patsy, meanwhile, develops serious health problems and walks around with an IV stand. Saffron returns from her wedding to John in Kenya and reveals that he is a polygamist. Edina and Patsy head off to meet designers Terence Conran and Kunz for inspiration. At Kunz's store, Edina claims to have seen her ideal kitchen in a previous life, so she hires a channeller. The channelling session results in so much disruption in the household that Saffron and Edina argue once again, and Edina lashes out at baby Jane in anger. Saffron has finally reached breaking point, and kicks Edina and Patsy out of the house, which is in her name. Edina and Patsy end up lounging in the stylish window display of Terence Conran's Shop.

Guest stars Patrick Barlow (Max), Miranda Richardson (Bettina), Laurie Metcalf (Therapist), Nathan Lane (Kunz), Miranda Hart (Yoko).

Edina and Patsy reluctantly accompany Emma Bunton to the taping of Comic Relief at the BBC Television Centre. Inside, a member of the production staff can't find Emma's name on the list of presenters, prompting Edina to suggest they check again under Queen Noor or Lulu. Emma and Edina bicker in a dressing room when Edina insists that the point of Emma's participation should be to gain greater exposure for herself. Edina urges Emma to lobby director and Comic Relief founder Richard Curtis for a role in one of his films. When Richard visits the dressing room to apologise for Emma having been left off the list, Edina and Patsy fail to recognise him and ask him to fetch Richard straightaway. Emma angrily writes a cheque to the charity and storms off. When the production staffer returns to collect Emma (now scheduled to appear after Graham Norton), Edina and Patsy first conceal (in the dressing room) and then loudly acknowledge (on-stage, live, during the Comic Relief special) Emma's departure. Patsy is struck by stage fright while Edina attempts a song. Once Patsy wets herself, both are quickly shooed from the stage by a horrified Graham.

Edina picks up Saffy from prison where she has been held for two years after providing fake passports for asylum seekers. After welcoming Saffy home, Saffy has her cellmate Baron visit, but it is soon revealed that Baron is Patsy's drug dealer and Patsy owes her £50,000. Saffy's friend Sarah then turns up and it is revealed that she has been sectioned and she is better now she is on pills. However, she reads too much into the relationship between Saffy and Baron so that Saffy has to slap her out of a hysterical outburst, this brings Sarah back into her disturbed state. Later, Edina and Patsy must figure out a way to come up with the money, which means Patsy must fess up to her real age to collect her wages and pension.

Guest stars: Sofie Gråbøl (Sarah Lund), Katy Wix (Annabelle), Christopher Malcolm (Justin), Lucy Montgomery (Baron), Naoko Mori (Sarah)

When Saffy accuses Edina of not doing an honest day's work in years, she and Patsy decide to try to impress her by having her favourite French singer Jeanne Durand sing at the Royal Albert Hall. However, they soon discover that Durand cannot sing at all, and even with Lulu and Emma Bunton all hope is lost so Bubble sings for Durand instead.

Guest stars: Lulu (herself), Emma Bunton (herself), Lindsay Duncan (Jeanne Durand), Harriet Thorpe (Fleur), Helen Lederer (Catriona), Kirsty Wark (herself), Mark Kermode (himself), La Roux (themselves), Llewella Gideon (beautician)^[7]

Edina is busy training for a Sport Relief charity function with Emma Bunton with disastrous results while Patsy fills in for her downstairs in a meeting with Stella McCartney. Patsy ends up taking the credit for Edina's idea to feature Kate Moss and David Gandy in the magazine, but the only condition is that Patsy must not let Edina anywhere near the shoot. In the gym upstairs, Edina boxes with David Haye and she and Emma end up fighting. Emma punches Edina who ends up getting wheeled through the hotel bar on a stretcher.

With the 2012 Summer Olympics approaching, Edina decides to rent her house to a Hollywood A-Lister, while she is still living there along with Saffy, Mother, and Bubble. Patsy helps Eddy into her body suit to look suitable for her guests. With age catching up with Eddy she feels the doors are closing on her, Eddy is annoyed to discover that Stella McCartney's shop is closed to her. To add to her misery Bo and Marshall arrive to stay for the Games.

Guest stars: Mo Gaffney (Bo), Christopher Ryan (Marshall), Stella McCartney (herself), Kelly Holmes (herself), Tanni Grey-Thompson (herself)