Billy Quan
Billy Quan was a fictional television character who originated in the Seattle TV comedy series Almost Live! in the 1990s. Quan was featured in a series of recurring skits called Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan, intended as parodies of the films of martial arts star and former Seattle resident Bruce Lee.
The general format of the skits, which averaged one to two minutes long, featured Quan being offended by the rude manners of another unnamed character, usually Almost Live! host John Keister. When Quan pointed out the offensive manners, Keister's character would challenge Quan in a highly exaggerated martial arts battle using such things as pool ques, golf clubs, bowling balls and garden tools. The skits would usually end when Quan would launch himself toward Keister in a preposterous two-legged martials arts kick. The camera would show Quan's two legs aiming toward Keister, who often ran away. Quan's legs would stay in the air and follow Keister, sometimes around corners or waiting outside of doors. In the end, Keister was always defeated. The announcer would close with "Remember, kids: be like Billy. Behave yourself!".
Quann was played by Almost Live! cameraman Darrell Suto. The voice and mouth movements of the characters were greatly out of sync, a reference to some of Lee's early martial arts films. The titles were parodies of Enter the Dragon, Game of Death, or Fists of Fury. Quan's voice-over was done by Almost Live! cast member Pat Cashman. Keister's voice was his own.
Later the character was seen on Fox TV's series Haywire and on the PBS series Bill Nye the Science Guy.
| Episode | Plot Summary |
|---|---|
| 8 Ball of Fury | Keister ruins Quan's perfect billiard game and, when challenged, fights Quan with various billiard equipment. |
| Blades of Fury | Keister accidentally destroys Quan's intricate carving and, when challenged, fights Quan with a series of saws and other tools. |
| Bricks of Fury | Quan teaches Keister the consequenses of using the wrong hammer (BNTSG episode) |
| Enter the Bowler | Keister interrupts Quan's game of bowling, and, when challenged, fights Quan with bowling balls. |
| Enter the Doggie | Quan steps in excrement left by Keister's dog, and, when Keister is challenged, he fights Quan with dog bones. |
| Enter the Gardner | Keister interrupts Quan's quiet time in the garden, and, when challenged, fights Quan with garden tools. |
| Enter the Juggler | Keister disrupts Quan's enjoyment of a juggling act, and, when challenged, fights Quan with juggling pins. |
| Enter The New Year | After fighting with champagne corks and bottles, Keister flashes back to past memories of fighting with Quan. |
| Enter the Pyramid | Keister tries to get Quan to invest in a pyramid scheme, and, when challenged, fights Quan in a conference room. |
| Enter the Tipster | Quan teaches Keister how to properly tip at a restaurant. |
| Five Disks of Death | Keister unplugs Quan's computer, causing him to lose months of work, and, when challenged, fights Quan with floppy disks. |
| Five Iron of Death | Quan takes on Keister on the golf green. |
| Forces of Fury | Billy teaches Keister about momentum (BNTSG episode) |
| Fumes of Fury | Keister lights a cigarette in a restaurant, and, when challenged, fights Quan with massive amounts of smoke. |
| Harvest of Fury | Quan and Keister star in a music video about farming (BNTSG episode) |
| Hoops of Fury | Keister prevents Quan from successfully completing his 100th straight free throw, and, when challenged, uses a basketball to fight Quan. |
| Jocks of Fury | Keister challenges Quan in a sporting goods store and they fight with running shoes, a baseball bat and a jock strap. |
| Library of Death | Keister annoys Quan by laughing loudly in the library and, when challenged, fights Quan with sticks used to hold newspapers. |
| Office of Death | Keister decides to keep a pen he picked up from an office cubicle, and, when challenged, fights Quan with other pens. |
| Rackets of Fury | Keister interrupts Quan's tennis game, and, when challenged, fights Quan with tennis rackets and tennis balls. |
| Tools of Fury | Quan takes Keister to task with a variety of items at the Hardware Store. |
| Tricks of Fury | Keister offends Quan's sister with a cheap squirting flower on his lapel, and, when challenged, fights Quan with rubber chickens and other toys. |
| Wickets of Fury | Keister wanders through Quan's game of croquet, and, when challenged, fights Quan with croquet wickets and mallets. |
| Yard Sale of Fury | Keister ruins a record album at Quan's yard sale, and, when challenged, fights Quan by using records as weapons. |