it amazed me how quickly i was able to become nothing. for most of my post-puberty life i had been able to maintain a side-interest/information-gatherering compulsion in brutal materialism and nihilism without suffering too many ill-effects w/r/t my functioning in the worlds of my peers, family, school, etc. although i kind of always considered myself ‘above it all’ in some remote sense, i was able to identify with my background and upbringing in a relatively normal if somewhat detached manner. i was able to let the thoughts/ideas/values/goals/worldview of the outside world to flow into me via my family/friends/peers/teammates/girlfriend/etc.; and my obsessions were more or less successfully compartmentalized, a seemingly benign cancer that (i thought only) sheepishly threatened the tranquility of my mind.
i went to an ‘elite’ university. due to a variety of factors, i was never really able to ‘buy in’ to the overall ethos of the social strata i now found myself a part of. i formed a contextually oppositional worldview based on an identification with my upbringing, which in my new environment was somewhat unique. but i was always somewhat of an outsider in those more familiar contexts as well. nevertheless, the psychic flux between me and the outside world continued to function, albeit at a slightly diminished level.
over a period of 6 months or so, the flux stopped. my friends graduated. some months later i did too. i realized that i wasn’t able to ground myself in either the world i grew up in or the world i was to be a part of. i lost the ability to want to ‘help people’, to ‘be successful’, or to ‘have meaningful experiences’. i began to view all concepts, beliefs, values, ideas, words, feelings, emotions, thoughts, actions, relationships, as equally arbirtary. the only sensation that possessed any sort of meaning to me was that of condom-less sex. i searched for sex constantly. i had a couple proto-girlfriends, but something was different. after a month or so, i would taste overpowering and unmistakeable metallic notes on their skin, like some sort of poisonous copper alloy. i wouldnt be able to look at them. their faces contorted into macabre and haughty rejoinders from a materialist demiurge. i looked in their eyes and felt i was being taunted from within by the very cancer that i had always so successfully ignored, as if it was applying some sort of horrific convolutional filter to their countenance. i cheated on them compulsively.
i felt a psychic wall go up between me and the men in my life. formerly warm, trusting, empathetic, and affectionate relationships suddenly felt cold, artificial, cynical, and pathetic. socializing in groups of close friends used to give me a narcotic/anxiolytic high not unlike benzodiazepines + a small amount of cocaine, but now the experience felt somehow menacing, inauspicious, and draining. i felt the non-presence of the materialist demiurge here as well, taunting me, although the manifestations were less obvious, less monstrous than they were with women.
i realized i was part of nothing. i could no longer receive the sociocultural/biological flow into me like i could before.
how does one take revenge on being?